Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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