Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
