I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
