I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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