Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
