How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
