Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
