could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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