you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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