theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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