A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
