I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
