JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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