I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
