oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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