Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize