I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
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I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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