yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
