So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
