I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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