this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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