We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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