I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
