Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
