Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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