If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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