ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
