I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
