The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
