a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
