If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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