so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
