$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
