Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
