Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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