Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
