I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
