I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize