I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
