I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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