My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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