Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
