please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
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If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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