While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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