we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
