Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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