the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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