my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
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No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
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Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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