So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
