Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
