I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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