You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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