I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
