Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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