She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
