it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
