somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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