The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
