Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
