Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize