We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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