YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
