Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
