New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We are two peas in an std pod
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
